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Comedy |
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Humour & Jokes
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Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. (Charlie Chaplin) |
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A women...
Before marriage "Barbie doll" After 3 years "PANADOL"
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Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from despair; a narrow escape into faith.
Live Joke Applet (Rest your mouse over to pause the scroll )
A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog. This is a good way to keep an idiot busy for 20 seconds! ha, ha, ha!
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman like your, my wife appears out of nowhere".
Mike's wife bought a new line
of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she
asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
The
first divorce
directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks was filed in New
York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade
Center spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his phone turned
off. He wasn't watching TV either. When he turned his phone on back at about
11:00 am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife saying, "Are you
OK? Where are you?" He said, "What do you mean? I'm in my office of course!"
Two guys were in
a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a
bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll
jump," said the Jim. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied Bob. Then, the guy on
the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second
guy hands the first $10.
Two lawyers were
in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling
for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line
the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take
their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
Three men were
standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up
and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his
elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to
the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught
us to be clean."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a lead pencil instead.
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
An old man was
on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his
priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be
held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I
can take all my money with me."
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a
two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even
charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon." Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother!! Sign in a bar: "Those ......drinking to forget........ please pay in advance." Sign at a barber's saloon: We need your heads to run our business. Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell. Husband to his wife: Wife: "Somewhere I have never been!" Husband: "How about the kitchen?" Two men are discussing their
lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment,
dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife. My wife and I have the secret to make our marriage wonderful. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 E-mail
Stamps
1- Look at that stupid boy,
who affix stamp on a fax.
Gender Roles
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist.
"What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
A fellow had
just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who
was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three
numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't
think you can solve," he said.
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "Is there any concession for a season pass?" Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
His grandfather is eighty
and still doesn't need glasses...???? She always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee. Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone. Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep! Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said "FINE FOR PARKING"? Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man
beating a donkey and stopped him, Student: Brotherly love.
Dad:
Son,
what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a
sports car around it.
A Guy: Should women have children after 35? Other: No, 35 children are more than enough!
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody
was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.
Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:
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Category:
Home
A lecturer
teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of
yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to
be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
