One Sunday, a preacher got up and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Dog with and without:
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now let's read without the word dog. This is a good way to keep an idiot busy for 20 seconds! ha, ha, ha
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman like your, my wife appears out of nowhere".
wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years
younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products,
she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy
on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll
jump," said the Jim. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied Bob. Then, the guy on the television
closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first
Lawyers and Robbers:
lawyers were in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and
yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from
the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall,
and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
Etiquettes in Urinal:
Three men were standing side-by-side
using the urinal. The first man finished,
zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows
... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two
men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."
Ballpoint or Lead Pencil:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a lead pencil instead.
lecturer teaching pathology was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar
of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be
observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Cash in the Coffin:
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He
called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000
cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I
die so I can take all my money with me."
plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute
job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount
and I am a brain surgeon."
Why are you home so early?
Husband to his wife:
"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
Fax & E-mail:
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "Is there any concession for a season pass?"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
Would you like your coffee black?
Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?
what do you want for your birthday?
Should women have children after 35?
on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
One hand on steering wheel, one
hand on horn
One hand on steering wheel, one
hand on newspaper, foot solidly on Accelerator
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes
shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
Both hands in air, gesturing, both
feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
One hand on horn, One hand on
holding gear, One ear listening to loud music, One ear on cell phone,
One foot on accelerator, One foot on clutch, Nothing on break, Eyes on
females in next car
is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would
do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Click here to enjoy a practical fun...It's all about your computer.