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Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. (Charlie Chaplin)

 

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Let's Have Fun...

One Sunday, a preacher got up  and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Bad Food:

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Dog with and without:

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now let's read without the word dog. This is a good way to keep an idiot busy for 20 seconds! ha, ha, ha

Lost Wife:

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman like your, my wife appears out of nowhere".

Expensive Cosmetics:

Mike's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Mike replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mike interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Repeat Suicide:

Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the Jim. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied Bob. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first $10.

"I can't take your money," said Jim. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said Bob. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Lawyers and Robbers:

Two lawyers were in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."

Etiquettes in Urinal:

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Ballpoint or Lead Pencil:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a lead pencil instead.

 

True Observation:

A lecturer teaching pathology was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Black and White Bridal Dresses:

Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Cash in the Coffin:

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

Surgeon or Plumber?

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

Different Signs:

  • Sign on a famous beauty parlor:
    Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be yo
    ur  Grandmother!!

  • Sign in a bar:
    "Those ...drinking to forget... please pay in advance."
     

  • Sign at a barber's saloon:
    We need your heads to run our business.

  • Sign in a restaurant:
    All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

Wife & Husband

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Husband to his wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
Wife: "Somewhere I have never been!"

Husband: "How about the kitchen?"

A Women...
Before marriage "Barbie doll"
After marriage "Cute doll"
After 1 year "Nice doll"
After 2 years "Only doll" And..
..
After 3 years "Panadol"

 

Fax & E-mail:

1- Look at that stupid boy, who affix stamp on a fax.
2- What a silly man who is asking for stamps to use for E-mail.


Gender Roles:

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."

College Rules:

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"  "Is there any concession for a season pass?"

Little Nancy:

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat." 

Just a Minute:

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."

 

Miscellaneous:

  • He drinks straight out of the bottle.

  • Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

  • His grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...????

  • Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.

  • No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

  • Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep! 

  • Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.

  • Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

  • She always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants black coffee.

  • Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife.

  • Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said "FINE FOR PARKING"?

  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  • Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

  • My wife and I have the secret to make our marriage wonderful. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  • A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Cut Pieces

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer:
What other colors do you have?

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student:
Brotherly love.

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

A Guy: Should women have children after 35?
Other:
No, 35 children are more than enough!

Driving Styles:

  • One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
    Sydney

  • One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
    Japan

  • One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on Accelerator
    Boston

  • Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
    New York

  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
    Italy

  • One hand on horn, One hand on holding gear, One ear listening to loud music, One ear on cell phone, One foot on accelerator, One foot on clutch, Nothing on break, Eyes on females in next car 
    The Pakistan

  • ...body:

    This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

    Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

    Answering Machine Answers:

    • My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.

    • Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

    • Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

    • Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call you sooner.

    • Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

    • Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

    • This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

    • Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

    • Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

    • If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

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