Things to Ponder

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. (Charlie Chaplin)

Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from despair; a narrow escape into faith.

• Why are most homes white?

• Why are aliens always green?

• Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

• Why are school buses painted yellow?

• Why are movie theatres always so cold?

• Why do people look up when they think?

• Why do they report power outages on TV?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

• How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

• What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

• Why don't penguins in Antarctica ever get frostbite?

• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

• Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

• If somebody says about himself, that he lies, is it truth or lie?

• If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know ?

• Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved?

• Why is it when you get from here to there, you're still here and not there?

• Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

• Why does soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or in a can?

• Why people and nations start using the brain only after trying everything else?

• When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

• When a bus is full, why there is always someone who gets in even if nobody gets out?

• Why people point at their wrist asking for the time? Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?

• While waiting for the bus, why we ask someone "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would he/she be standing there???

• The 1st "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874 and the 1st "Helmet" was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!

• 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
   

• Is the glass half full or half empty?

• Why do we label underwear as a pair?

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

• Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

• Why are cows milked from the right side?

• Why do your nose run and your feet smell?

• Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

• Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

• Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

• What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

• If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

• Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

• If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

• Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so where baby oil come from?

• If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

• If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens if you turn on your headlights?

• Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?

• Why did God give men nipples?

• Why do we have to dry raincoats?

• If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

• How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

• Why are they called "apartments" when they are stuck together?

• Why goes glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for "sitting"?

• If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

• When we transport something by car it is called a shipment but when we transport something by ship it is called cargo?

• Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Why is toilet paper scented?

• Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

• What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• Why is it called a "hamburger", when it's made out of "beef"?

• Why does "sour cream" have an expiration date?

• Why doesn't "glue" stick to the inside of the bottle?

• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

• What's another word for synonym?

• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• Why do we wash "bath towels", aren't we clean when we use them?

• Why do we put "suits" in a garment bag, and garments in a suitcase?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" (a speech defect) to have an "S" in it?

• A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  But on my desk I  have a "work station".

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

• Why is a boxing ring square?

• Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

• Why it is rain drops, but snow falls?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Why the third hand on a watch is called a second hand?

• Why not aircraft manufacturers consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane?

• Why do women have smaller feet than men?
  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

• Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
  Two Mothers-in-law.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. Do you know why?
  I don't like to interrupt her.

• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
  Divorced.

• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
  I said,"Dust!"

• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
  It is called Wedding Cake.

• What are 3 ring circus of a marriage?
  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

New Dictionary

Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.